Walking Home
by sunshine antiquity
Summary: Irina thinks about what was on the way home. SongFic


**Title:** Walking Home   
**Author:** Amanda, or my pen name, Jopatura   
**Email:** jopatura@yahoo.com   
**Feedback:** Yes please   
**Distribution:** Just email me first   
**Disclaimer:** I didn't make Laura. I didn't make Jack. I didn't make Irina. If you sue me, then you can get the absolute nothingness that I have. Everything except the plot can be traced to ABC, Alias, Touchtone Tv, Bad Robot, and last but not least, J.J. Abrams. Also, the song is Vanessa Carlton's, "A Thousand Miles."   
**Summary:** Irina thinks about choices she made in her life.   
**Thanks:** I gotta give thanks to my wonderful beta, Shannon.   
  
~~~~~   
  
_Making my way downtown_   
_Walking fast_   
_Faces passed_   
_And I'm home bound_   
  
Irina quickly strolled down the street towards her apartment. She had had enough of Khasinau controlling her thoughts, her actions, for one day.   
  
_Staring blankly ahead_   
_Just making my way_   
_Making my way_   
_Through the crowd_   
  
Sometimes she wondered what would have happened if she had stayed in America with Jack and her baby doll, Sydney. When she walked the mile or two trek to her apartment from her office, she often wondered what Sydney was like. Was she nice and thoughtful? Did she have a guy to call her own? Did Sloane treat her like crap? Irina also thought of Jack. She missed his kisses and the way he made her feel alive even after Khasinau had been a bastard over the phone to her.   
  
_And I need you_   
_And I miss you_   
_And now I wonder..._   
  
Crossing the street onto a quieter one, Irina could feel tears coming to her eyes. She needed Jack. She needed that special something that drew her to him in the first place. Khasinau HAD given her a list of possible CIA husbands. She had to face the facts... she missed Jack. Terribly.   
  
Khasinau often made videos of her saying that she hated Jack. That she hated Sydney. The outside was telling him lies, lies that she wished she had never told.   
  
She often wondered what it would be like to still be Laura. Laura was perfect. Laura had the perfect job teaching; Irina had been born to be an agent for the KGB. Laura had the perfect husband; Irina now cut herself off from the real world. Laura had the perfect daughter; Irina never could have children because of her job. Laura was perfect; Irina wondered if she could become her again.   
  
_If I could fall_   
_Into the sky_   
_Do you think time_   
_Would pass me by_   
_'Cause you know I'd walk_   
_A thousand miles_   
_If I could_   
_Just see you_   
_Tonight_   
  
Irina wanted to stand from the tallest building in Russia and scream, "Fuck Khasinau." She wondered that if she could escape his grip, escape from him to be with Jack, even if it was for one day, one hour, one minute, would all be perfect for that amount of time. Or would it be filled with doubt, with misery because of everything that had come between them. She had been watching the CIA's progress on bringing down Khasinau. Maybe then she would be free. Free to do what she wanted with her life. Free to become Laura.   
  
_It's always times like these_   
_When I think of you_   
_And I wonder_   
_If you ever_   
_Think of me_   
  
A tear started to edge it's way out of Irina's eye, but she quickly wiped it away. She wondered if Jack remembered her. Remembered the way they met. Remembered the way they made love. Remembered their flame. But she knew that he was blinded by the bad. By how she called him a fool in a video that Khasinau had specially shipped to him. By how she faked a death that would haunt him the rest of his life.   
  
_'Cause everything's so wrong_   
_And I don't belong_   
_Living in your_   
_Precious memories_   
  
Irina knew though that since she had treated him like that, she deserved to not have the good remembered. She didn't want him to be plagued with the good memories in a dream; it would only make things more wrong.   
  
_'Cause I need you_   
_And I miss you_   
_And now I wonder..._   
  
But she wanted him to remember. She wanted him to take her in his arms and comfort her like he used to. A kiss on the head and whispering how great she was in her ear usually did the trick. She wanted to see the look on his face if she could just whisper in his ear three words, I miss you.   
  
_If I could fall_   
_Into the sky_   
_Do you think time_   
_Would pass me by_   
_'Cause you know I'd walk_   
_A thousand miles_   
_If I could_   
_Just see you_   
_Tonight_   
  
She wanted him to kiss her head. She wanted him to tell her that she was perfect. She wanted to be with him. When she was first taken away she vowed to walk the globe to be with him. She vowed to do anything to end up back in his arms. Now years later, she hasn't completed that vow, but she knows that it isn't the end of life. She knows that she has time to complete that vow.   
  
_And I, I_   
_Don't want to let you know_   
_I, I_   
_Drown in your memory_   
_I, I_   
_Don't want to let this go_   
_I, I_   
_Don't...._   
  
Though Irina loved these thoughts, she didn't want him to know. It would hurt him. It would hurt her. But there would be a time. A time where he could know. A time when she would tell him.   
  
_Making my way downtown_   
_Walking fast_   
_Faces passed_   
_And I'm home bound_   
_Staring blankly ahead_   
_Just making my way_   
_Making my way_   
_Through the crowd_   
  
She stepped onto another crowded street and faced the crowd. But she didn't care about the crowd. She briefly wondered what people thought of her. Her eyes were glazed over, obviously not focusing on the street. Her appearance was usually disheveled by arguments at work or working out in the sub-basement of the building. But right now that didn't matter. She was about to be home.   
  
_And I still need you_   
_And I still miss you_   
_And now I wonder...._   
  
She still needed and missed him a mile and a half later from where she began. She wondered if she would ever stop missing him, but she already knew the answer. It was no.   
  
_If I could fall_   
_Into the sky_   
_Do you think time_   
_Would pass us by_   
_'Cause you know I'd walk_   
_A thousand miles_   
_If I could_   
_Just see you..._   
  
She reached her apartment building and swiftly rode to her floor in the elevator. She knew that she wouldn't be getting her vow answered anytime soon, but she was going to try. Being with him, being in his arms for just one night is worth it. Worth it all.   
  



End file.
